Life teaches us all the time, sometimes, I don't listen!

When I write I get lost in a different world. Actually that world has its own natural buzz.
In 1999, I decided to take a career break from my good job in Dublin with the then EHB.
The previous number of years had been gruelling. A story I will tell in full, in my autobiography.

In September 1988, four years after my marriage, I discovered, I was pregnant for the second time. I knew I was pregnant while driving to Limerick, with my almost, two and half year old daughter Robyn. I was ovulating & I knew instantly, that I was pregnant with another daughter. Here was my logic, I had taken a “chance” four nights previously and for the second time in my life to that point, our loving making, was a very special. (When, in my experience you make another life it is also spiritually unique.) The first time this had happened was when Robyn was conceived. That was clue number one. I also decided that only the XY chromosome would be stronger to survive the long journey to my ovaries and was more robust than the XX chromosome, hence, the baby would be a girl. I was pleased about that, that the baby would be a girl. I had always felt, I wouldn’t be as good a Mum to a boy. My reasons for saying this were, I was the second child and had an older brother who bullied me when we were children & into my teens. I hated being bullied by him. As the second male in our family, he was, in my opinion, spoilt! I being the eldest girl, tended to get a lot of the household chores, as my mother worked outside the home. I had always sworn that if I ever had a son, he would do as many jobs as any daughter I might have! That was the reason, I felt, I wouldn’t be as good a Mum to a boy. In reality, I have no idea if that, would be the case, but it was how I had felt then!

I was driving to see my aunt, who had just given birth to her second child after sixteen years.
I stayed in Limerick for a week or so and had in the meantime phoned home & confided my instincts to my husband, he naturally did not believe me! As soon as I thought I’d be able to confirm my pregnancy, I got to a chemist and bought a pregnancy kit. When said hubby got home that night, the evidence was there and he could not deny the blue line with the plus!

In truth, I wasn’t happy about being pregnant, although, it was the least of my worries. You see I knew in my gut, that my marriage was doomed to fail. Even then and I had huge sadness about it. I so wanted and needed my marriage to work. Sadly, that wasn’t in my reality.

However, being protective of myself & my growing baby, I went into denial about this fact! In truth, I did have psychological “leak outs”, as we humans do, but then, I didn’t know that this is what they were called then. (In that, I knew in my core that my marriage would end, but for my own protection and my babies, I denied it, however, it kept coming back to my consciousness from time to time, hence, psychological leak out!) In and around three months, I started to bleed and was ordered to bed rest. I remember talking with my growing baby and I asked her to stay. The conversation went a little like this…..”I know I didn’t plan to have you, I wouldn’t have ever planned on having a second child, however, little baby, I love you and I want you to stay. What do you think? Would you like me as a Mummy?” All the while I would be gently massaging my tummy and speaking with my voice full of love for this child growing inside of me. She did decide to stay & Megan arrived into our world in August of 1989.

One month to the day later, hubby had a vasectomy. We had to use condoms for the next three months. I’m smiling here as I write this, because, at the time, I lived in Naas County Kildare and there was a chemist, I had the misfortune to ask, do you have condoms? I was given a glaring stare of mega disapproval and told frankly, “No, we don’t sell them”. I was mortified walking out of that shop. In those days condoms were not freely available and only became legalised in Ireland in 1994!

I vividly remember breast feeding Megan one day when she was nearly five months old and adoring her as I looked down at this beautiful child and thanking her for staying with me. I told her how thrilled and grateful I was that she had stayed. It was a very special moment.

Christmas week, hubby got a phone call from the Vasectomy Consultant’s office, to say that his seaman was clear of sperm and we could go ahead and have unprotected sex! What a Christmas present! In reality, it wasn't, not really!

The following year, near the end of September, we were all travelling to Birmingham for a huge gardening /Horticultural / hardware exhibition. We would stay with hubby’s brother & wife. I had weaned Megan off the boob at the end of July, one, because I followed her sister’s pattern of being allergic to feeding at eleven and a half months. And two, I had had enough! Sin é.
This meant I was free to go out while we were away and meet up with all the suppliers / customers I knew, as my sister-in-law had agreed to look after the girls. I was really looking forward to it. So before I left Ireland I went to my doctor to get a prescription for the pill, as I had had my first period after 20 months and it had lasted for three weeks and I wasn’t having any of that! For whatever reason, I forgot the prescription & seriously didn’t think of it for the first week I was in Birmingham.

That first week was full of dining out and meeting up with suppliers and customers and I wasn’t well! The nausea was awful and I had to really control my breathing in order to subdue it and I picked at my food. I even remember to this day saying to myself one night over dinner, “This feels like I am pregnant” and then I reprimanded myself by saying, “go on ya eejit Trich”! In the second week, the exhibition was over and one night, I got my period! Mad panic I can tell you, when I realised I didn’t have my prescription with me! However, my wonderful sister-in-law made an appointment for me with her GP. He asked me was the pill to prevent pregnancy and I categorically stated NO. Hubby had a vasectomy last year and this was purely to regulate my period! So he gave me the prescription and I duly got the pill and couldn’t believe the whole experience didn’t cost me a cent! We have never had a service in Ireland like the NHS, God bless them.

Two months later, I was giving my 3rd and final speech in Naas toastmasters, it was a Wednesday night. My evaluator gave me the worst evaluation ever! I was gutted, because it had taken so much courage for me to stand up and do this speech! All he spoke about during my evaluation was the other person’s speech and how good they were! I wasn’t confident enough then or even mature enough to realise that that was about him, rather than me. My speech had been good, not brilliant, but quite good, I thought. Anyway, I was devastated about it. The following day I moped around the house and cried my heart out. Little did I know, I was in fact, very hormonal! At exactly 5 P.M. I was in the loo having a miscarriage and for the first and only time in my hubby’s life with me, he walked in the front door, while I stood frozen to the spot with a three month old foetus!

I hadn’t even known I was pregnant! In Birmingham, I had totally dismissed my notion of pregnancy. I wasn’t listening to my own internal wisdom! This I can still do!

To cut a long story short, the previous August, before we had gone to the UK, hubby woke up one Saturday morning in testicular agony. He didn’t have “Blue Balls”, as we had made love the previous night! So he hurry’s off to the doctor with testicles gently in hand, to discover, he had a large swelling in the left one! He needed a scan, however, he never went for it, as he was too busy preparing for the exhibition in Birmingham. He was given antibiotics, however, the swelling, which had been there a while, had acted as a bridge between the two vast deference, that had been cut in surgery & hence, I conceived for the third & last time in my life. This swelling acted as a bridge & allowed sperm through, it was called “an act of God” and the chances of it happening are one in seven thousand! My sister laughed when I told her and said, “it could only happen to you Trich”, that was all the sympathy I got from her. I was devastated and in absolute shock and even more so, when I heard the Vasectomy Consultant said to hubby, “Now Mr O’ you must take into consideration that your wife may have had an affair!” I still get angry with the fecker for judging me like that. For the record, I didn’t have an affair. If Mr Consultant had only known the trauma I went through, he could not have ever said this, but he did and it was more trauma for me!

I have since studied psychology for five years, so I know a lot more now about who I am. I am still learning & learning about who I am isn't always easy, given I still don't always trust my own inner voice! I do love who God made me to be. I know, I am human in the best & worst aspects of human frailty! Life and my responses to it, whether I choose to be honesty or deceitful or positive or negative, IT IS MY CHOICE, I constantly choose my way of being in our world. I am deeply grateful to have all the choice I have.

Ben's presence in my life taught me to listen to my own natural wisdom. I write this today, because since, there have been many times, I still haven't listened. I write this as a reminder, to myself, of the importance of listening to my inner voice.

Ben, my son, died on the 28th November 1990.
This is your story Ben, I am grateful for what you taught me, even though, your presence in my life was short.

With much love always and forever xox


Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness ~ Shakti Gawain In my experience, this is true!


Copy right protected.
This forms a chapter in my autobiography.

Love, laugh and live.

Do you often or ever ask yourself, Why am I here on earth?

What is my function on Earth?

I have lived for 49 and a half years now on planet Earth. I love the beauty of it.

I live in one of the most beautiful places that I’ve seen on Earth. I live in West Cork, as often as I can. Mainly, the work I do takes me away from here, but I love to return to the freedom of space that is West Cork, it is food for my soul to see God’s beauty.

I grew up in a suburb of Cork City, it would have been a working class area, however, I never did like labels, so I didn’t take that label on board. I believe no matter who you are from beggar to president, we are all equal.

I enjoyed play as a child and the games I played on the road I grew up on. I loved dogs and still do. I found some of the teachers I had in primary school quite difficult, some were nasty to me, while others were so loving and kind, they were the one’s who made a positive difference to me, in my life. My home life was hard too, I experienced physical beatings, emotional and sexual abuse. I experienced annihilation and the fear of that I still remember. No child needs to experience any of these abuses. In later life, I learned when I am in pain, do no harm. I did at times harm my children by shouting at them!

When I was eight, my mother went out to work, I found this experience very very difficult. I was broken hearted. I say this because it profoundly affected me. As did the death of our dog Skippy. Actually, when I was six, a group of dogs were fighting near my Mum’s friends’ house, my siblings and I called this woman Dow Dow, her name was Mrs Dowling! Anyway to get back to the dogs, I really didn’t like that the dogs were fighting, so I got into the middle of them to stop them and one of them jumped up and bit my nose!! I was so shocked that a dog had bitten me, as I loved them so much. It took me until I was in my thirties to love dogs again! The dog I have now, as a pub, also bit my nose!!

When I was about fourteen I feel I had a breakdown, though, I think I am the only one who knew it and possibly our GP, at the time. I was sick a lot when I was a child. My outward response to the abuse was to become vocal, I needed to let out what was building up in me like the pressure inside a volcano before it erupted! I didn’t have the language to express what was really going on inside for me, I wasn’t in a place then to speak my truth about how much I was internally suffering.

Sometime around the age of 16, I think, I was walking over to mass one morning and at the time, I hated my father. Anyway, this voice came into my head and said, “As long as you hate him, you will destroy your self”. I knew instantly this was true. From that moment on, I began to pray for my Dad and I asked God to help me forgive him. In time, this indeed did work. I can honestly say that I love my Dad unconditionally. I mightn’t always agree or get on with him, but I do love him. I love my Mum and my children unconditionally too. Forgiveness is one of my best achievements in life, as is unconditional love.

You see neither of my parents started off married life with the intention of fu*king up. I didn’t intend to fu*k up either, but I did. However, because I forgave my parents fu*k-ups, I was later in life able to forgive me my fu*k-ups!

I learned a very valuable lesson then, one I have used many times in my life since. In my life experience, it is vital to my mental, physical, spiritual and emotional health to forgive. I say it this way, to forgive is a selfish act, for when I forgive those who have hurt me, it is shit, I don’t have to carry. Plus, forgiving enabled me to forgive myself later on in my life, when I needed to forgive myself for any wrong doings I did.

In the main, I was a good kid. In 6^th class in primary school I had this teacher, a nun, called Sr. Ailbe whom I loved dearly and even though she is dead since 1998, I still love this woman. She taught me this, “Be you to others kind and true and always onto others do, as you’d have others do to you”, I’ve lived by that in my life. Plus, I think the 10 commandments are 10 good moral rules to live by. Not that I’ve kept all of them, I haven’t, but I strive too in the main. I also learned and to this day believe, what I do to another, I do to me. I look at life simply, there is a food chain, right? Then there is also a human chain, where we are all connected, because we come from the same one source. So, if I hurt or love another, I do the same to self. Think about it with your heart.

Another big event in my life was when my Mum fostered children, the first baby John, I adored. Then we had Paul, who was beautiful and Paddy and Christopher who weren’t well. When John went back to his parents we were all devastated, as we had him for nearly a year. I hope they are all happy in their lives now.

I started secondary school by going on the hop! Skipping school! I’d spend the morning in school with my left hand straight down and I’d hold it motionless, so it became black and blue and swollen. Then I’d go to the principle or our class teacher and say I was hit by a hurley while playing camogie during the morning break. Then a class pal and I would pretend to go to the hospital, but we’d end up in a pool hall in town or we’d go back to my house, as there would be no one there! I didn’t like school. I loved art and I had a great art teacher, called Michael Mortell, who was so kind to me. He passed away a number of years ago and I was sad when I heard the news. I also loved drama and I was involved in a number of school plays. I wasn’t academic, in fact, one teacher called me retarded! Actually this same teacher told our class one day to reach for the stars and while we may not get to the stars, we may reach the moon! I thought and still do think that this was good advice. On my academic abilities, for years I felt I had a good brain and in fairness some of my teachers said as much, but because of my life experience, my school work suffered and I didn’t have any confidence in my academic abilities for years and years. Eventually I went to college three times and I now have a very high 2/1 teaching degree! After my initial two years in Maynooth College, I realised that I was quite a good student. I studied the humanities for 5 years in total and I love human behaviour the most. My biggest achievement in school was organising a 50 hour disco marathon with my friend Fiona, we did it over a weekend and all of the senior classes took part in it, well those who were allowed by their parents, the year was 1979. We raised £600.00 at the time and Cork businesses sponsored our food for the weekend. It was during the organising of the disco marathon that I came in contact with a Cork pirate radio station and worked with them on a part-time basis for a year for nothing! No, no pay! Then due to my own lack of academic confidence and fear of the leaving cert, I left school 6months before my leaving cert exams! I did return to school at 21 and sat the leaving cert exam! Later on I worked voluntarily in hospital radio for 5 years. I loved being a radio presenter.

I started working and ended up having lots of different jobs! I suppose I need to say that while I dated guys, I was in fact, terrified of them, especially if they tried to be intimate with me! If they “dropped the hand”, which was the then expression for trying to feel your boobs, I broke up with them. In the main, I met decent guys. One guy, I met, I could have done without meeting. He was a French chef and he physically hit me twice one night, needless to say, I didn’t go back out with him thereafter! I met him about 10 years ago and he hadn’t aged well! I looked fabulous that night and I held my head high and enjoyed my own private gloat at his expense! Silly, I know, but I still smile at my own enjoyment of that night!

I met my future husband a few months after my 21^st and I fell madly in love with him. We married when I was 23 and he was 26. We had two daughters together. We stayed married just shy of our 10^th wedding anniversary. We separated in September 1994. All I knew at the time, was that I was pissing against the wind and I was the one getting wet! I also felt as though I was sinking in quick sand, which was a horrible place to be for me. It wasn’t until the 26^th of February 1999 that he told me he is gay. It took me more than 8 years to get over grieving him and our marriage. Too long a time really. However, what was very important about him in my life is this, I felt sexually safe with him, yes when we met. In hindsight that was very important for me. I didn’t obviously know he was gay when I married him, but sexually he never threatened me. Ok, I later learned why. However, he allowed me to find my own sexual confidence. Neither of us realised it way back then but I will always be grateful to him for that and yes, I still love him and always will. Even though, in truth, it did become a very difficult relationship for both of us. Conflict became a major part of our relationship. This in turn affected our daughters, this I regret! But that was where I was then. I was miserable and found the break-up and aftermath horrific! I had not ever wanted to be a single parent and here I was, a single parent! Here’s a bit of irony for you, I was the only member of my sibling who wasn’t pregnant getting married and I am the only one now divorced. I smile at this now, it’s me taking the pee out of myself!!

In the summer of 1999, I took a career break from work and moved to West Cork from Co. Kildare where we lived. I had been working in Dublin. A lot of my years in Kildare were happy and it was there I achieved the setting up of a social housing project and did PR for a water group that was set up as a result of drinking water being contaminated by sewage! I felt these were personal achievements and helped me to be more confident within myself. By the time I moved to West Cork, my ex-husband and I had been separated for almost 5 years, in that time I didn’t date anyone! I felt too vulnerable. The following September I met and dated a guy who was also separated for a number of months. We split up and days later his wife phoned me!! They in fact weren’t separated! She was a lovely lady and I did feel quite bad. I had a boundary that married men were a no go area for me! This is still true for me today.

On Christmas eve of 1999, I met a guy in a local pub and played a few games of pool with him, he beat the socks off me! My children knew him as they frequented this harbour village with their Dad quite a bit. I am not a pub person, so I rarely went to pubs. The following February I met this guy again and within a week or two we were dating. I had assumed he was the same age as me, he was in fact, ten and ¾ years younger than me. I mentally found this challenging as I had always said I’d never date a younger man! I learned thereafter, that any never I had put into my life, I ate! Never say never is a good thing to live by! Do you know what I loved so much about this guy, was that even when we argued, I could look at him and say, My God, he is gorgeous. He was fun and funny and strong physically. He has such a big heart. I loved his arms, they were so strong. I also had for the first time in my life, “normal” sexual relations, he was the best lover I’ve ever had. He and I stayed together on and off for 7 and ½ years. He helped me to build my home during our time together. Some locals still think he built it for nothing, however, that is not true. He like all the other trades men who helped to build my home were paid the price they requested. It took me a long time, years in fact, to figure out why we broke up. I need space, my own space and he wasn’t in a place to trust me in that space. Also, I needed him to become more mature and while he did that in spades, it didn’t occur in the areas I needed it to be in. I will always love him too. I’ve learned that love is an energy and the energy of love does not die. Love is our greatest gift to self and to others, this I have learned too. It was one of the easier lessons I’ve had in life.

In 2004 my first daughter flew the nest after a holiday we had in Italy. I was so grief stricken I couldn’t communicate it to anyone, although I think my younger man, did recognise it, but at that time, neither of us was in a good place! And I know that my younger daughter cushioned her older sibling leaving home for me.

When my younger daughter left home in 2008, for a few months, I was thrilled with the freedom. Then reality hit me and then in November that year I hit the menopause. Luckily though, I had started college and while that did help, I found the first two years of not being a Mum quite difficult. My role as a mother was a great gift to me in life.

About nine months after I broke up with my younger man, I started dating again for about a month. Then a few weeks later, I started dating another man. For the bones of two years, I dated both men on and off! Since the break-up of my marriage I have been unable to go out with a man without breaking up with them at intervals!! Both these men have lovely hearts and in truth, I don’t know how they stuck my behaviour!! But they did and over six months ago, I finished with them both. To clarify here, when it was off with one, I went out with the other! Although, I do see one of them on a regular basis, my need is not to date again. I seem incapable of having a long term constant relationship. I’ve learned that my behaviour is about me. Though, in truth, I still don’t see the wisdom of my behaviour. I wish I did. I’m sure the men in my life would want this too. I was told that my behaviour in relationships is about my lack of commitment to self! Maybe?!?

I have been very lucky to have met the men I did meet. All are beautiful with their own unique gifts. I am blessed with my daughters, my parents, siblings, family and friends. I’ve learned that I learn more about me by being in relationship! Mostly though, I am blessed as at a very young age, I started developing my spiritual relationship with God. In all the trials and tribulations that I have met in my life, God has been the one constant. His strength and guidance to me is what has held me and helped me. I know I haven’t gotten everything right in my life, I do think though what is more important is that I in the main honour peoples dignity, I’m no saint, sometimes, I haven’t honoured people, however, I think I’ve always managed to go back to a person, if I feel I have offended them, to apologise. It’s the people I’ve hurt and don’t know I have, is challenging!

I have made many mistakes, I think the arguing with the girls Dad and the younger man, wasn’t helpful and has hurt the people I most love in this world. When my ex-husband and I did separate I said to myself, once the girls are ok, I’ll be ok. In hind sight, had I said, once I am ok, they girls will be ok, it would have been wiser. Reflection brings wisdom! Being responsible and accountable to and for my actions and behaviours are what brings me to maturity. I am not as mature as I’d like to be! Maybe one day, I’ll get there.

Over the last number of months I have renewed my interest in politics and the Irish Government, given the mistakes I feel they are making with their inhumane budget and bail out of banks. I truly believe what they’ve done to the Irish people is sinful and criminal. I can allow myself to become hot under the collar about it. However, I also know from my own life experience that our politicians, bankers and property developers are in a dark place and are coming from a place of immaturity. All of us has our own unique personal history and if we don’t reflect on our behaviour, then we stay stuck in a fearful child like place, albeit unconsciously! Realising we are stuck in an unconscious place is the first step towards becoming conscious or awakened. This process can take a long time to go through and safety is the one quality that is absolutely required so that any internal movement towards becoming consciousness can occur. This is why, forgiveness, love, kindness and compassion are needed so much now, in our world.

I have agreed to run in the next election with a new democratic party, should they get registered?!?

I have known for a few days now that I needed to write a new blog, I wait though until the time is right for me to do so, I kind of sense when the time is good to write. Before Christmas I ordered a book I was interested in reading. The night before last I started it and last night I read another few pages and then fell asleep. Around 2:44 a.m. I woke as I heard my youngest daughter calling Mum. When I opened my eyes I heard myself say 89. I had this ridiculous idea that she asked me how much the photos cost! My daughters live two to two and a half hours drive from me and none of them were here! The book is called “The Distant Shore” by Colm Keane. Basically it is about near death experiences. I text both of them in my sleepy haze and my eldest daughter replied that she was ok. My youngest daughter didn’t, so I phoned her twice, before she answered that she was alright. It was while phoning her I remembered the 89, she was born in 1989 and it was her voice I’d heard. I was a wee bit anxious phoning her and was naturally very pleased when I heard she was ok. So I read another few pages of the book and then turned off the light and went back to sleep. Again, I was woken up by my younger daughter calling Mum again! I was upset to be woken again as I was very tired, the time now was 4:45 a.m.! So I read some more in the hope I would doze off again! I read this passage where a daughter was experiencing her father’s death process while he was dying in hospital. Anyway she left his hospital bed around lunch time and when she started the car her radio came on. She heard an RTE news presenter take on somebody about bank accounts and corruption and the interviewee was fighting back. She states, “All I remember thinking was, None of this really matters. I felt, How small our everyday stuff is, It’s so small in comparison to death, which is the biggest moment in your life. This is the one timeless moment into which everything collapses. Compared to it, everything else is really nothing. I thought, There’s no need to get worked up over everyday stuff. It becomes so unimportant in the end”. I looked at the page number it was page 89! She goes on in page 91 to say this and I’ll quote it as I feel it is very important. “Finally, I got the sense of how important it is how you’ve acted and behaved in your life..........................................I’ve got to improve myself. I should be better than I am. That’s a thing I have tried to work on. You’ve really got to be as good as you can be so that you can face yourself. It’s how you live day to day, and the choices you make, are what matter”.

Seemingly, those folk who have had near death experiences say that you judge yourself when you meet God, who is neither male or female, but a loving, forgiving warm bright energy and interestingly to me, religion does not matter.

Now, to my final point in this blog. Forgiving others is really about learning to forgive yourself. Loving others is really about loving yourself. Whatever you do in kindness, love and compassion to others, you do to yourself. That is how you will judge yourself when you’re / my time comes to meet God. If you and I, haven’t learned to forgive and love others, how can you and I hope, in death to forgive and love self? It is that simple I believe. I believe that is what our human function is on earth to forgive and love, that is what I am here to do. I think I have done well. My death time will tell!

God I feel makes life simple, it is we humans who complicate it, so keep life simple. And don’t sweat the small stuff.

With love to you all,

Trich.